Hi there. How’s life? Does it feel like a little or a lot? Does it taste like honey? Is it making you cry? Smile? Run barefoot laughing?

One of my favorites quotes of all time is “The most we can do is to write — intelligently, creatively, evocatively — about what it is like living in the world at this time”. I read it in Insomniac City, one of the most beautiful books I’ve ever tasted, where author Bill Hayes is quoting his lover, Oliver Sacks. I love it because it gets as close as possible to defining the mysterious force that draws some people to just need to write, like myself and millions of other poor souls. But also because it speaks to the importance of simply noticing what it feels like to be alive, just alive. I usually scrawl it somewhere within the covers of my journals, as a kind of ode, and it’s perpetually on my mind.

So in honor of that, today I’m telling you something of what the world has felt like lately. From my skater boy inclinations, to some thoughts on doing versus being, plus some fun insight into my most recent interest.

BE LOUD

I don’t really know what’s been happening to me but I’m skateboarding? I’ve been skating into work at the coffeeshop and I forgot how much fun it is. To be fair, I did spend nearly every waking minute of my childhood on wheels of some kind like any half-decent California kid would, but lately I’ve fallen in love with it all over again. There’s something about flying down the street at dusk with your arms in the air as an adult that just makes you feel a bit more alive. I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve become my peaceful neighborhood’s worst nightmare. And the funny thing about that is that as a kid, I remember favoring scooters or skates to skateboards because I never wanted to make all of that noise. I was so afraid to take up the space that a young boy would have naturally fallen into. I was so young, but already so aware of the precise manner in which a young girl is expected move through the world. Which is to say, quietly and politely.

I find that fascinating. Mainly because now I don’t care. I don’t even hear the noise. I’m not afraid to claim my space in this world anymore. But I remember a time when I was. I remember being small and having to learn to make noise, to be loud, to be all of the things that I wanted to be but felt that I better not. It’s been so long since then that I didn’t even realize how far I’d come until I heard that skateboard hit the ground. Riding, I felt the whole world moving beneath my feet and it felt a hell of a lot like emerging on the other side of a war that I spent my childhood fighting.

Did you ever feel that way at twenty? Like you had survived growing up (not that we’re ever done) and were now free of all of that angst and insecurity that you lugged around like armor? Like you were suddenly happier than you had ever been? At some point, I unclenched my fists and all of these battle arrows fell to the ground. I don’t feel such a constant need to defend myself anymore.

That’s how it felt for me to be alive today. That’s how it’s been feeling to be alive.

HUMAN BEING VS HUMAN DOING

Speaking of being alive, this cool thing happened at work the other day.

I was running around, making coffee and sandwiches and a million other tiny tasks as per usual when I stopped to take someone’s order at the register. He was a regular, such a devoted regular in fact that he immediately knew that I was new. He asked my name and introduced himself. He told me to take my time, to slow down if I needed to. That that would be okay. And he said it in such a calm voice and I kind of just stopped and looked at him like he was some kind of service-job-guardian-angel. I brushed my hair out of my face with my wrist and let go of a breath that I didn’t realize I had been holding. Is there anything better than those moments? When people treat each other like human beings?

That reminds me. I had this spiritual professor a few years ago who used to always say this one thing. She would ask us if we had been human beings or human doings that day. If we had been doing all day, she would ask us how we could take some time to simply be. And we felt that we hadn’t done anything productive at all? She would remind us that it is enough to just be alive. That sometimes, that’s the hardest, most important thing that we do.

I loved that. I mean I really loved that. I’m one of those people who can’t relax until they get whatever needs to be done, done. I can’t procrastinate. It’s actually kind of problem. I’m always like a week ahead in school, which is pretty problematic when you’re an English major because you’re never the right spot of the book and then it just sort of defeats the whole purpose. But hat’s a whole other thing. The point is that I am a victim of America’s hyper-fixation on productivity and time management. And don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful for a lot of reasons. I always find meaning in whatever I’m doing, or else I don’t do it. So I know how to get shit done when I want to, which is cool. But being able to slow down and just take time to exist, well that’s pretty cool too. I’ve had to learn that.

And I’m not talking about vacations or the rare day off. I’m talking about a piece of each day. It doesn’t have to be a large piece, just big enough to nourish you. Go for a walk, sit on the floor and listen to music, stare up into a tree and ponder the logistical probabilities of extraterrestrial life—anything. Because let me tell you, there’s nothing better than getting something done and then taking a shower, putting on a good nature documentary, and drinking some tea. Or wine. Or dandelion root water. Whatever you’re into these days.

WHAT WE MOST FEAR

And you want to know what I’m into these days? Besides, apparently, skateboarding?

Horror movies. Maybe it’s because I took a gothic literature course last fall and fell embarrassingly in love with my professor or maybe because I’m craving fall, but I’ve been watching all of these scary things. Currently, The Haunting of Hill House on Netflix. It should be noted that I’ve never been a horror person. I’ve never hated it, but I wouldn’t choose it. Now it’s like candy to me. It’s almost comforting. I love the dark scenery and spooky mansions, the iron gates and gothic libraries.

It’s the unspoken meaning behind all of these things that really draws me in through. The aforementioned professor used to always tell us that the gothic seeks to subvert social norms and expose what we are most afraid of as a culture. We would study what constituted a monster, what made them so monstrous, or why certain traps or tricks were employed. We talked about how we are so obsessed with the gothic because it is a realm that allows us to briefly and safely interact with our greatest fears and desires before stepping back out into the regulated world, in typical carnivalesque fashion. It was endlessly fascinating. I had never thought of the gothic tradition on such a deep level before and I suppose that my love of it was born right around then. Now I’m sort of hooked.

Anyway. Happy Sunday. I hope you’re well and thanks as always. ❤ -m

JOIN THE FUN

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